Integrating my other half

My experience in Vietnam has been a rollercoaster of emotions, from frustration to amusement, and it has brought me closer to my own family in Vietnam that I only heard stories from my parents.  Whether I like it or not, this study abroad opportunity allowed me to learn about the other side of me that I never knew I existed.  Since I left Vietnam at a very young age, I lost my roots quickly as I grew up in an entirely different culture than my own.  I cannot believe that it is close to the time when I have to depart from my homeland that I had left 16 years ago.  It is like déjà vu.  However, this time is very different from the first time because I am grown up and I came here with many purposes.  When I leave, I feel that I will bring a piece of Vietnam back to the United States whether it is intellectually, physically, emotionally, or mentally. This experience in Vietnam has influenced and changed in me so many aspects of my life.  I am very grateful for everything I have faced and endured here.

Thinking ahead in the less a month I’ll be back in California and everything here will only be a memory… a piece of my history.  It makes me… feel unsettling! It’s hard to part a place where I was starting to feel like home and the amazing people that I have met over on my journey in Vietnam.  It will feel much different when I return back to the States when I cannot use Vietnamese so regularly, get banh mi trung on the corner of the street, get nuoc mia, or drink bia hoi on the street.  A way that I can integrate my experiences in Vietnam into my life in the United States would be trying to influence and persuade other students to study abroad in Vietnam.  From there, I will be able to share my personal experiences and remind myself the great people I have met here.  I think through sharing my experiences, it would help spread the knowledge that I have taken away from Vietnam.  I have no doubt that I will be continuously being reminded of my trip if I keep in touch with UCEAP kids because my memory will always trigger back to our adventures abroad.  Another way I can approach is by maintaining relationship and communication with HANU students here and my relatives in Vietnam. It will somehow make me feel as though they aren’t physically that far from me.

I am going to be as realistic I can about the possibility of me keeping my relation with UCHANU and Vietnam, I am not sure.  Of course, I can come up with plenty of ways that I can try to sustain the same relationship now like trying to fundraise for more funds for the poor like Nghe An and sending them money back here to encourage the future UCHANU kids to continue the work we started.  But I am unsure about how my life will be like once I return back to the States and I return back on the crazy coaster of the busy college kid –work, school, family, friends, relationships, and all! I don’t think this is applicable only me but probably everyone else in this program.  Days will become months and turn into years and we may end up losing touch with each other completely. One definitely way that can be sure to keep Vietnam with me is by speaking Vietnamese. I have always been hesitant or embarrassed about talking and communicating in Vietnamese because the fear of no one can understand my broken Viet-lish.   Since I study abroad for the past 3 months, I feel more confident to talk and communicate with my parents and people on the streets now.  That is how I will be reminded of the growth and my experiences in Vietnam.  Vietnam will be an active part of my life now, through verbal or written. I will try to grasp hold on what I am learned, experienced, relationships, and memories I have collected here.  I will not forget. 

There's no "I" in TEAM

Through the course of the past three months, there is definitely a press for communication and interaction in group settings.  Within a group setting, there are perks in working in a group but there are also downfalls in working with such a large group of people.  I think I have a mixed experience when it comes to group work.   For example, in the academic setting of the University of California there isn’t a lot of push to work in a group to present a collective paper which all participants will receive the same grade as other members in the group.  On the contrary in my International Relation class for IS 08, we had to write a group research paper and as it came out,  work in a group of five people does not means equal work contribution.  As it is, I was working with another EAPer.  Although we finished our part prior to the deadline, we were yet again working on editing, formatting, and managing the quality of the paper as whole.  The distribution of work was a huge deficient in overcoming our task to provide a polished paper… However, upon receiving our grades I was shocked to received low marks because one of our members plagiarized or did not properly cite the source even though our instructor repetitively mentioned it.  Nevertheless, the entire group suffers the consequence as a whole.  As a result, I realized that group work in producing an academic piece is very difficult if your colleagues are not on same level of knowledge.  Language barrier would also be another problem that cannot help and the lack of communication will severely affect the final product.  Of course, that is only one bad experience in an academic setting where it was disastrous.

On a better note when it comes to UCHANU class, working in a group setting is definitely easier whether it is with UC or HANUers in the class.   From the first week when had to do Survival Hanoi to accomplishing Project Kiem An interview, it was a breeze.  I learned that group work is plausible only when there’s good communication and mutual understanding between members.   When it comes to working on Project Kiem An, we delegate task to each members and split the entire group into two groups and one person to edit overall which makes is quite effective.  By limiting confusion in a big group setting, the pair who is doing the two versions must communicate effectively to finish the task.  What I see as the most effective way is a systematic production line of work where it is— interview, transcribed, translate, edit, and submit.  I believe once each member understand their task in a group work, the entire task is that much easier rather than one person having to do all the work. 

The past week was another challenge to work with our classmates to raise funds for Nghe An.  Fundraising is definitely not an easy task that one person can achieve but it essential that everyone take part in it whether it is flyering or setting/cleaning up.  Collectively, we self-divide the work amongst ourselves which makes the entire task of fundraising more effective because we were each responsible for certain events.  As for me, I helped manage and prepared for the food sales on Tuesday and Wednesday.  It was quite a task when everyone has their crazy schedule but it comes to it, everyone was willing to lend a hand when we were in need. In my eyes, it was a success even though I barely had any sleep and was physically drained but it was for a good cause and it felt pretty darn good to accomplished it!  It was just fun hanging out and trying to sell food and drinks for a good cause and trying to reach out to other HANUers that I’ve never seen.  The fundraising task itself helps all of us – UC and HANUers to become closer than ever because we were able to hang out outside of the classroom setting.  I wished we started fundraising earlier or have more outside activities with HANUers.  NGHE AN = UC + HANU = SUCCESS! J

On a personal note, I believe that I learn more about myself in a group setting because I can either be the helper or organizer.  This is simply dependent on the situation at hand, if not one steps up to get things organized and prepared then I’ll be more than willing to delegate tasks for people to do in order make sure ever goes smoothly.  At the same time, when there’s too many people trying to lead a group, it would ineffective to have multiple leaders because it’ll be a mess to battle out who does what so I would not mind playing the supporting role.  In the end, the completion of the task is the main focus whether who leads is only a minor factor the larger scheme of things.  Therefore, I think working in groups actually makes it fun only if everyone is on the same page and willingly help one another.   A reliable team is essential in fulfill a goal and in UCHANU –we’re a BIG MEAN TEAM of successors!  

On my own

As time quickly dwindles away to my last month in Vietnam, I start to perceive Hanoi in a different light but please don’t take offense to any Hanoians reading this.  It is, of course, through my personal experience and perception between human interactions with those around me.  

Recently, I’ve noticed myself losing interest in the city of Hanoi… I don’t know when or how it started but perhaps after traveling to the South, I felt tired of the repetitive night scenes of Hanoi.  I do not want to go into specific but within the past weekend I have encounter with the rudest people and d-bags I’ve ever met in my life in Hanoi.   Some people are just unnecessarily mean or maybe it’s the way they answer to questions but I have never felt so offended and confused by their actions and words.  (This is for my own memory of bad experience: Bo Sua Manager, parking person, banh mi lady on Nguyen Quy Duc, taxi drivers!)  Multiple times within the past weekend I receive negative enforcement of how much I am tired of dealing with rude people in Hanoi.  Nevertheless, I am only speaking of the few not majority!  I was losing faith in Hanoi and everything I enjoy a month ago but Monday changed everything for me.

On Monday, I had to go to Vietnam Airline main office near Old Quarter to make some flight changes.  For the first time since I have been in Vietnam, I took the bus by myself to find the main office with a map.   It was quite interesting traveling by myself because I am more aware of the streets I passed by.  Although I got off the bus a bit earlier that my intended spot, but I got to walk around the city that way and do some sightseeing by strolling along the streets with the crazy traffic.  After I finished my flight issues, I had planned to return to HANU but something pulled back me to stay back.  I started to wander around the streets of Hanoi without any endpoint and soon enough, I walked straight to Ho Hoang Kiem.  I found the path to go into the shopping center where there’re only small little streets which I was not very fond with.  It was a completely foreign space that I have never entered by myself but it feels great!  As I walk along the streets, I also encounter with some nice and mean people but it did not bothered me much this time.  I went into an art gallery showing which was pretty neat and found a street fill with art galleries!  I walked aimlessly for 2 hours turning left and right on the small windy street of Hanoi until I was on the other side of Ho Hoang Kiem which I thought was really funny… I didn’t realize how TINY Old Quarter was!    My overall experience was AMAZING! It was great exploring Hanoi by foot and it was fun doing on my own! I love strolling around without an agenda or destination because I feel I always walk or go anywhere only with a purpose.  This experience counters the bad experiences and made me appreciate the CITY itself.  I love how mellow and relax it feels cruising around the lake and through the streets.   

Besides that, this week is extremely stressful with so many events and due dates to meet!  I am under quite some pressure for time to meet deadlines for everything! It is all coming to an end and it is NOT FUN!  The program will soon be over so where did the last 3 months GO?! Very little time with so many things to do on top of wanting to travel around the city!  Of course, the main stress pressure is coming from fundraising for Nghe An.  There’s a lot of planning involve and coordinating with my peers to get it all together because one person cannot do it all.  Even though, I am exhausted by the end of the day because I spent the entire day outside fundraising but it was fun to interact with random HANUers.  It was also a great bonding experience with UCHANU students because we all got to hang out all day! J

Southern trip to where I am from...

Returning to the place where my mother gave birth to me was surreal.  Meeting my relatives and grandmother after 16 years was overwhelming.  Traveling around southern Vietnam was phenomenon.  How do I phrase my entire experience traveling through Saigon, Mekong Delta, Can Tho, and Phu Quoc Island? – Words cannot comprehend my experience.

I woke up sluggish on a Saturday morning at 5:00 to get ready for our flight for Saigon (TPHCM).  Even though, I only had roughly 2 hours of sleep before the flight, I was overly excited for what lied ahead for me – my family in Saigon!  When I first got off the plane in Saigon, I felt nervous and anxious to call my uncle who was going to pick me up from the hotel that we were staying.  My experience with my relatives was nerve-racking since I do not remember much since I left Vietnam when I was 5 years old.  Therefore, my uncle had to introduce me to all my relatives and told me how I was related to them.  Everyone was in awe at how much I have grown and they were extremely welcoming when they saw me.  It was very comforting and it made me felt at ease to slowly have a conversation.  I have never felt so ‘loved’ in Vietnam until I met my relatives in Vietnam.  While I was at my uncle’s place having lunch, my head was wrapped around the idea of seeing my grandmother in the hospital.  The anticipation of seeing her was killing me because she was the only one in Vietnam that I had first initially wanted to see.  Why? Perhaps it was the fact that she is only person I can remember vividly out of all my relatives in Vietnam and she is the only one that I felt close to even though I have not seen her since I was five years old.  She was recently readmitted back into the hospital for the past week because of health complication. 

Walking down the hallway of the hospital towards her room, I doubted my memory image of my grandma and feared that I would not recognize or vice versa.  However, the moment of truth came when I walked a room filled with beds and initially, I recognized my youngest uncle, cau Ut.  As I walk closer, I saw his eyes glance down to my grandma and there she lies on a hospital bed… thin and fragile yet she still looks the same way that I remembered her.  Up to this point in Vietnam, I was not very emotional to my experience but when I saw my grandma – everything change instantly. She was overjoyed and overwhelmed with emotions when she saw me that she started crying.  She recognized me. She knows who I am. She is my grandmother and I am her granddaughter. After seeing her, I realize how connected I felt to my grandma although I have not talked to her at all since I left because I always felt I cannot communicate with her in Vietnamese when I was in America.  I somehow felt emotionally connected to even though I only have a brief memory of her when I was very young. I visited her every day when I was in Saigon, not because I was obligated but I was drawn to this old feeble woman whom I addressed as “ngoai”.  My entire stay in Saigon was memorable because I was able to connect with my relatives and hang around them… It made me really appreciate the family I never knew existed in Vietnam.  It was heart-warming to know they are so welcoming and generous to help me. I love it Saigon for this very reason.  Family = Saigon.

After Saigon, our next stop was Can Tho, which was a very small simply and quiet city. I was not very impressed with the simplicity of the city or anything about it… it was not like Quy Nhon or any other places I’ve gone to.  Although the floating market was definitely interesting and fun to explore in the morning because we just floated along the river and all these boats go by our boat to sell us bun rieu or café sua da. It was pretty neat!  After that we travel to Vinh Hanh village where we stayed for two nights with a friendly family. I can honestly say that I got really biten up in the village and it was difficult to sleep at night.  However it was really interesting watching how they grilled the fish with dried grass/hay and fire.  Then the following day, we were able to learn and catch a traditional way of fishing, which was looks pretty fun.  In general, my home-stay experience in the village was living the basic life where humans are mosquito’s free meal and they don’t like it if your blood is filled with alcohol!! They were vicious in the village and it gets pretty darn cold at night!

Our next stop would be the beautiful island of Phu Quoc! The beach is crystal clear, the sand is super clear, the road unpaved, and the streets uncluttered! It was a mini paradise away from the crazy city life, where rich seafood can be found in almost every place!  I cannot imagine how development will change Phu Quoc in a couple years since there are rumors that people in certain location will have to move because big investor are planning to change this rural undeveloped island into a tourist attraction –similar to Hawaii!?  What will happen to the Mekong Delta villages in the next 10, 20 years?  Will huge hotel and factories take over the simple basic life of fisherman? I really don’t know but all I know is that Phu Quoc and other undeveloped places will not look the same the next time I visit them again.